


I Will Learn To Survive This

by lady_needless_litany



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-TLJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 06:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13541559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_needless_litany/pseuds/lady_needless_litany
Summary: General Leia Organa has lost many, many people. But she can't afford to surrender to her grief.





	I Will Learn To Survive This

She had lost too many people.

She wore her hair in Alderaanian mourning braids now, for all of the dead that she carried with her. 

The parents she had never known. The parents that she had seen blasted into stardust. 

Ackbar, Holdo. The people that she had fought alongside. 

Tai-Lin Garr, Korr Sella. The people alongside whom she had tried to rebuild peace. 

Han, Luke, Ben. The people that she had loved and lost.

When Amilyn had told her, in that pragmatically authoritative tone of hers, that she would stay behind to pilot the ship, Leia had almost broken. _No_ , she’d almost demanded. _No, I’ll do it. My time is up. For once, I will not let someone else die so that I can live._

But then, without saying it out loud, Amilyn had reminded her that the Resistance still needed her - without her as their symbol, no one would rush to be their salvation. Not that her name had saved them, in the end. No one had come, and Crait had become the grave of yet more Resistance fighters. There was an echo of hope - _may the Force be with you, always_ \- but it was far outweighed by her grief. She felt hollow, like her emotions stayed on the Raddus and had sublimed alongside her friend; it had been a beautiful, noble, symbolic death. But it was also one of far too many losses, and it had been offensively unnecessary.

It was too much. And that was why she couldn’t lose these ones: this Jedi, this pilot, this stormtrooper.

She barely knew Rey and Finn. But Rey, somehow, reminded her of Luke. It wasn’t just the connection to the Force - she had the same innocent hope that she had seen on her brother’s face when he had rescued her from her cell on the Death Star. There was pain in her, too, and fear, but her strength is undeniable. Finn is much the same. She couldn’t even begin to comprehend the terror that he must have battled to defect, throwing off years of brainwashing in the process. Afraid, yet so quick to trust and to protect his friends.

She watched Finn settle a blanket over Rose, his worry so very clear on his face. She wondered where he had learnt such empathy, because kindness certainly wasn't on the First Order’s agenda.

Then she caught sight of Rey and Poe, exchanging their first few words.

Unlike Rey and Finn, she knew Poe.

She had watched him grow from a reckless, peacocking flyboy (Amilyn’s turn of phrase, harsh but not untrue) into someone with the makings of a real leader. He still had a long way to go, she thought, but he was getting the hang of it.

She saw in him Han’s cockiness, her own strong sense of right and wrong, the very guts and passionate idealism that had launched the Resistance in the first place. He was a fitting legacy for Kes Dameron and Shara Bey. And, in short, he was the son that she’d failed to raise.

The first time that thought had occurred to her, it had stung; the reminder of her incompetence (because even though her brain knew that it wasn’t her fault, her heart was was traitorous) made her feel like she was a child again, petulant and out of her depth.

Seeing them provoked a sense of nostalgia, especially here, on the _Millenium Falcon_ , which felt so familiar. So something in her wanted to protect them for the sake of the girl she used to be. There was something more than that, though. The nervous smile that Rey and Poe shared was hopeful and optimistic, despite the fact that they were running for their lives and might have to turn and fight at any given moment. _And that_ , Leia thought to herself, _is the future. That’s why I’ve fought for my entire life, and that’s why I will learn to survive this._

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: lady-needless-litany


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